I am the Evidence

Good Days

            I jump out of bed bright eyed and bushy tailed; shake my fist at the travails of yesterday, and say a hopeful prayer for the next twenty four hours. I am very aware that there is a balance between living in the moment and giving myself things to look forward to. As I write this the forecast for tomorrow is sun.

One of the best things in my life now is my job. I am thankful to be part of the Certified Peer Specialist “Gentle revolution” in mental health treatment.  This week Creative Health’s active peer specialist staff grew by 50 percent (from two to four!). Please say hello to Jennifer and Lori as you see them around the building. It is exciting.  We are the cutting edge of Mental Health recovery and treatment.

We are also well aware of the caring and hard work of the people at Creative Health and elsewhere that have been helping people with mental illnesses for decades and decades. It is a leap of faith to start the process of integrating people with a mental illness into the treatment team. Like persons with any other chronic illness, we have good days and bad days. We also have serious setbacks now and then. CHS has shown sensitivity and faith that these setbacks are most times temporary.

            So now we have four CPS’s currently working at Creative Health (five when Vanessa returns). You can find us in the office with the big windows and the fruit basket on the table.  A table full of pamphlets and papers, everything from Compeer, to Homes Team to NAMI to Schizophrenia Digest. It’s a friendly space. It says “Come on in! Talk to us! We are professionals and we have “been there”. We can relate to you in a very special way.”

            The Drug and Alcohol treatment field has been employing people with D&A issues for years. Now it’s mental health’s turn. Personally I have been doing this for three and a half years. Every day I learn how to do my job better. I was proud to be able to help show the new CPS’s some of the ropes today. So on my way home this evening I was feeling good. The days are a little longer and we are at least half way through this trying winter.  And it doesn’t hurt that tomorrow is Friday, and payday! Furthermore I am having fun doing some computer dating. At the age of 41 I am having some relationship experiences many people have between the ages of 18-25. At that time I happened to be plunging into the depths of my illness. But it’s never too late. I try to be humble, but some lady is going to get lucky sometime soon.

            I have never been so hopeful about the future. Even in these very difficult economic times I have managed to gather around me an amazing group of family and friends and supportive, caring people. Good people I work with, eat with, study with, perform with and grow with. These are the days of “Friending “people. The days of I-Phones, and Androids. New meds all the time and Glee and Dancing with the Stars. So much going on. Where do I want to be five years from now? “Alive and kickin’!”

            My Senior High School yearbook photo had room for a quote under it. I didn’t add one, but many times I have thought what I might have written.  More than a few people put down that they would like to: “Find that special someone and live life to the fullest”. At the time I thought this was clichéd and simplistic. Now twenty four years later guess what I want to do with my life?  “Find that special someone and live life to the fullest!”

            The year is still young. I had predicted that 2010 would be the year of the “Wolfe” and in many ways it was. (I was one of the MC’s at theMont.Co. Mental Health luncheon, I Spoke before the CHS board of directors, I was the winner of the Mad Poets at Churchill’s contest, I self-published a book of poetry, and maintained a 150-160 lb weight loss) Now I expect nothing less than a breakout year in 2011. I will get into a masters program. I will find true love. I will become a paid performer; I will create in many ways. I will work to overcome my fears and inhibitions. I will truly become a peer specialist extraordinaire. And I will give back a portion of the all the gifts and blessings I have been so generously given.

            I am tired. I think I lived today to the fullest.  Tomorrow I wake up, get myself together, write something pithy on Facebook and go pick up four breakfast burritos at McD’s for my regular Friday meeting with a guy on my caseload. I trust the sun will be shining. In my life these days, it usually is.

This is a speech I am planning to give at the Spring Valley YMCA Friday the 7th of January (weather permitting) as part of a mandatory training.

           Did anyone else here learn to swim at the Y? At the age of four I was a Polliwog at the YMCA in Pottstown. It turns out the thing I like doing most now is swimming. I really enjoy swimming with my mom. She is an avid swimmer. For her 71^st Birthday she swam 71 lengths. The Y has done a lot for my parent’s health.  At the age of 84 my dad works out regularly. Most times when I finish my swim I sit in the hot tub and sing to myself “Tiny Bubbles, makes me feel fine.” I fellowship with the guys in the locker room. After a shower and shave I feel like a new man.

As I thought about this speech, I remembered what it was like to be waiting for the parents of that last child on a Friday evening at Royersford Elementary, watching the clock, anxious to get home and start the weekend. It’s nice to live close to the Spring Valley Y here. I have lived down the road in Royersford most of my life (32 years). I graduated from Spring-Ford high school in 1987 with honors and was the scholar/athlete of the year. I was on top of the world and didn’t know it. I went to Penn State Happy Valley on an academic scholarship and proceeded to fail out in two semesters. I also gained 30lbs.  

                I spent the next ten years trying to find myself and struggled with my weight, relationships and direction in my life. Things began to turn around in 1990 when I began classes at Montgomery County Community College in Blue Bell. I joined the writers’ club and eventually got my associates in 1995. Soon after I graduated from MCCC I decided to be an Art Teacher. I took charge and matriculated at Kutztown University and started to come out of my shell. I began performing at the open mic at the Uptown Espresso bar as the leader of the Uptown Circus, a group of friends who performed there.

                At Kutztown I was focused and studied hard. I also ate hard. I had a rough time during student teaching and ended up graduating with honors but not certified to teach in the public schools. When I came home I answered an ad in the paper for the YMCA. I was hired at the end of September of 2001 as an assistant pre-school teacher and before and after school counselor.  It was just weeks after the World Trade tower attacks and as a precaution we packed plastic crates with provisions in case of further terrorism.  

                For the next five years I worked mostly at the Royersford Elementary as a before and after school counselor , and at the Linfield UCC Wooden Shoe preschool, four years as assistant and one year as head teacher. I learned a lot about kids and almost as much about their parents. I truly enjoyed working and playing with the kids. I worked with some really great people at the Y. The teachers at Linfield taught me about treating each child as an individual, and that each child has their own story. Consistency, I found, was important also. There was the day to day pattern of drop off, hang up coats, circle time, art time, play time, show and tell and bathroom and then snack. Working with people I realized I could never please everyone all the time.

                As most of you probably know, snack time can be a major production. For snack time in Linfield with the 4’s each day a different child would bring in a snack for the whole class. It was often Teddy Grahams, Gold Fish, pretzel sticks or some special treat for a birthday or holiday. The drinks were often jugs of green or orange juice, sometimes apple, and sometimes the dreaded “Juice Boxes” which even the teachers have difficulty opening and putting the straw into.

            One sunny day a child brought in cup cakes and juice boxes for his turn at snack. Around 10:00 I went into the kitchen to set up the table while Miss Rose overlooked potty and hand washing time. I decided to put out the cup cakes (green icing) but keep the juice boxes in the cabinet for going outside sometime.  Further we had open juice containers in the refrigerator.

            As usual almost all the kids licked the icing off the cup cakes and ended up with most of them on their faces and the floor. After tidying up we went back for story time and show and tell. When the parents came to pick up their children we gave back the projects we had done the day before and handed out a worksheet for home work. When they were gone Miss Rose and I began straightening up.

            A few minutes later the mother of the child who had brought in snack that day returned. She walked into the class room looking sour and spoke. “My son is very disappointed. We made a special trip to the grocery store to get a special snack and he spent a lot of effort picking out that special juice. I just wanted you to know about his disappointment.

            I was taken aback. A moment later I said “I apologize and promise to have a special ceremony Wednesday with the special juice boxes.” She seemed satisfied and left. Wednesday that child couldn’t have been happier. It was just juice, but it meant the world to him.                                                                          *******

            Royersford was a great place to grow up. There were plenty of kids to play with and we have always had terrific neighbors.  I went to Royersford elementary in fourth grade after we moved here from the farm house in Graterford. My dad worked at the Graterford state Correctional institution for twenty five years as a social worker/administrator. My sixth grade teacher was Mr. Willauer.

            When I began working at the Royersford elementary Mr. Willauer had become the principal there. I worked under Ms Donna and Ms Marci. I enjoyed the mornings better than the afternoons. I still ate voraciously. Every morning I would scarf down a couple packages of cinnamon brown sugar pop tarts and a StarBucks Frappacino in a bottle. I remember drawing rocket ships and race cars galore for the kids. I remember helping with homework (some of which I struggled with). I recall watching “Sponge Bob” and ‘The Little Vampire” and “Fairly Odd Parents” over and over.

            After I left the YMCA in 2005 I got the idea to become a Certified Nurse’s Assistant. My Dad had been in the hospital with pneumonia and while I visited him I noticed the nurse’s aids doing their jobs. I thought “I can do that.” So I enrolled at Antonellis, studied intensely, and took and passed the Red Cross exam. Within a week or two I had a job. It turned out to be the hardest thing I ever did. I was dealing with anxiety and I still weighed over 350 lbs. I left after about six months with a transfer to the activities department. I thought, I am an entertaining guy. This should be great. Unfortunately it was also extremely difficult for me. I left on good terms.

            But I was at the end of my rope. Once more the hospital played a part in my future. My father was in the hospital again. One night I was visiting him and in the lobby bumped into a lady I knew many years before. At that time I was a client at Creative Health’s partial Hospital program. Oh yeah, by the way, I am a person with chronic paranoid schizophrenia. Handsome, yes. Talented, yes. Funny, yes. But also living with an often daunting mental illness.

            I thought long and hard about disclosing my illness to the public, and to you tonight. One good thing is that I won’t lose my job if they find out about my situation. As a matter of fact a large portion of my job is telling my story and being a role model and an inspiration to those that suffer. 

            The lady I ran into told me about a new program called Certified Peer Support. It’s like someone working as a Drug and Alcohol counselor having a history of drug and alcohol abuse. A certified peer specialist is a person with some sort of mental illness who is working on their recovery and is specially trained to work with “Peers” in a variety of venues. I once more worked very hard and took the training and passed. Soon I was hired at Creative Health Services and I have been happily employed there for three and a half years.

            Around the time I was hired at Creative Health I started losing weight, eventually around 160 lbs. See me later if you want to know how. Let me just say it was simple but not easy and I did it one step at a time. I struggle but have a lot of support. I refuse to go back where I was. And as I heard Oprah Winfrey say: Just when you think you’ve got it, is when you have to watch it.                                                                        

            At times I take for granted that the YMCA will always be there. That the people and facility that help so many will keep on doing their good works. But without people like you and all those who volunteer and donate it could disappear. The YMCA, as my friend Dave says, is “The Mother Ship”, and it truly offers a world of services to people of all walks of life. It was there for me.        

            The YMCA gave me a chance. The YMCA made me feel appreciated. The YMCA gave me a purpose. The YMCA was accepting of my size. The YMCA helped me feel good about myself.  Today I very much appreciate the beautiful facility I belong to. Spring Valley is inspirational. It leads the way for me into the 21^st century. To a more healthy lifestyle.  I’m not there yet. Actually it’s a lifelong process. My future is hopeful as I take care of myself Body, mind and spirit.

Here we are at the beginning of a new year. I don’t wait till New Year’s Day to make my resolutions. It’s time to start right now. I have had a break out year. I spoke in front of my work places board of directors and stole the show. I spoke before 400 people at an awards banquet in May. I won a poetry contest with the Mad Poets Society and self published a book of poetry. Further I will be part of “Writer’s Night” at Steel City Coffee House on Jan. 12^th. A paying gig!

 Thank heaven I have my family, friends and a great job. The other Thursday I performed at Steel City and tore the roof of the place. I want to do that again. I want to excite everyone to keep going like there is no tomorrow. Say you love your kids every day because we aren’t promised tomorrow. I think of a child I looked after back then. He died suddenly and all I could think of was that I rarely said anything nice to him. Every day I give thanks. So I’d like to thank Ann Nelson and Ms Donna, and Ms Marci, and Ms Hannah, and Ms Eileen and Ms Heather, and Ms Elaine and the Ms Jens and Ms Stephanie, and Ms Dori Ann, and Mr. Brett, and everyone else I didn’t mention.

And the future? That’s my little nephew Jamie. He is the most awesome kid. I am taking care of myself partly for him. He needs an Uncle Frank and we trust him to be cared for at the Y. I believe it’s never too late to get healthy again. The YMCA is the cornerstone, because the Y Cares.

Frank Wolfe

12-‘10

Each year, we ask kids in our waiting room to create the ornaments for our tree. Here it is four days before Christmas.

I used to have the audacity to think I could just sit down with pen and paper and create a masterpiece straight off with no edits or re-writes. But writing is hard. It’s a puzzle. It’s a challenge. That’s why I like it.

I used to have the audacity to think I could just go on from day to day and live a masterpiece of a life, with no mistakes or regrets. But life is hard. It’s the greatest challenge: to live a meaningful life, a life of beauty and adventure. To come to the end of it satisfied that one has squeezed from it every drop.

I am at a cross roads. Actually a junction of many roads. I am in the prime of life, but my health is suffering from lack of exercise and poor diet. My work is the highlight of my days, but I need to move up the ladder if I ever hope to support myself and have some sort of family. I want to find someone special. I want to travel. I want to perform in front of large crowds and have them in the palm of my hand. I want to teach. I want to keep giving back. I want to keep making my family proud. I want to go to graduate school. I want to get in shape. I want to go on writing. There are too many directions to go and not enough hours in the day.

No one can do it for me. Even with all the people who love me and support me, I have to do the footwork. I have been feeling like I need someone to hold my hand and carry me towards getting healthy. But no one can save me from my unhealthy lifestyle, and if I go on like this they’ll be saying: “What a waste. Poor Frank was such a good guy.”

This guy wants to be a motivational speaker. I want to help make people feel good about themselves. I want to inspire them to make long term positive changes in their lives. I want to set people on fire for life and find the courage to put themselves on the line for something bigger and better. First, though, I have to get my own house in order.

For me education is the key. I am trying to expand my consciousness and enlarge my world view. “Ignorance is hell”, though dealing with day to day reality (war, disaster, hate, disease etc…) can be overwhelming. So I take it in small doses. In my world I have experienced glimpses of heaven and tidbits of hell. I have decided to do my best to create more heaven. How can I do it?

There’s a place in my life where dreams and the road of life meet; where big ideas, realistic plans and good works come together. It is the Sphere College Project. A venue for making those ideas and plans come true. Sphere is a learning institution for adults who are looking to put what they are passionate about out into the world. It’s small now, but it will grow. All my talents and skills and life experience can come together there. Nothing is wasted. I will help myself to focus on doing the next right thing. And for me the next right thing is Sphere.

Like it or not, the first thing that comes to mind in regards to my motivation these days is finding an intelligent, attractive significant other. Exercising, losing weight, making more money, creating, writing, performing, drawing, educating, swimming, walking, dancing, organizing, driving, facebooking , cooking, taking meds, seeing the Doctor, and trying to be a better person. I am not shallow, but somewhat impatient. At the age of forty one I think of what I am missing. I am yet to look on the computer for a love interest, one of the few areas I seem to procrastinate in.

Second is pain; or the avoidance of it. I work out for less pain. I see my therapist for less pain. I see the dentist for less pain. I am in denial for less pain. I take Advil and brush my teeth with Sensodyne for less pain. I avoid relationships for less pain. I eat to oblivion for less pain. I think about pain for less pain. At the age of forty I can feel the slow decay beginning. Doing the exercises the physical therapist gave me gets me up at five thirty in the AM in the hope of less pain.

Third is the pleasure of doing nice things. I go out in the dark or cold or hot to be around friends and family. I wake up well and open the blinds in my room to get the morning light. I create pieces of art and write because it makes me feel good to make something of beauty. I walk around town (when ankles permit) and revel in my hometown of Royersford. I greatly enjoy conversing with my friends and thinking about deep, meaningful things. I love, because I   would be loved. I do nice things now because there is no tomorrow. I realize these are the good old days and I keep going because things are going well, and I expect them to get better.

I can’t always motivate the peers I work with. I try not to evangelize, rather lead by example.  I guess the old saying “If I can do it, you can do it”, does hold true. But the biggest thing I can do is to not give up. “With life, hope.” It’s never too late.

The IOP Open Mic:

“A Rockin’ Good Time”

          Sometimes things just fall into place. Such was the case for the IOP Mic on Wednesday October 20^th in the Creative Health computer library. Ten performers had worked hard for weeks if not months on their acts. One by one they got up behind the mic and gave it their best.  One of the performers who was at one time a professional musician (Bass Guitar) put together the sound system and then belted out two original songs including “The IOP Blues”. Everyone did a great job. One young lady stole the show with her powerful rendition of The Miley Cyrus tune “The Climb” There was a standing room only crowd and a truly supportive feeling in the room. “Music is the Doctor” and there was a lot of recovery and inspiration shared by everyone.

10-20-10